The Wrap Up

I leave on Friday.  It's Tuesday.  That's almost frightening.  But not quite yet because I don't think I've let this whole thing actually hit me yet.

Today was the day I decided to go out to Bremerton, where I grew up, to see my family.  Uh, funny thing is I haven't seen them for years.  Like, a lot of years.  My dad for maybe 2 or 3, and my mom for maybe twice as long.  So it was due.

It was interesting to say the least.  I've never been close with them.  No one I've dated has met my parents except for when I was maybe 16.   They haven't really been a significant part of my adult life in any way except the occasional phone call here and there; birthdays, holidays, "Did you hear someone you went to school with for a month in 3rd grade has a brand new puppy?" etc. 

It was still a bit emotional, but in ways I can't fully understand.

Family is important.  That is what people have been telling me forever when I tell them I'm not that close with my parents.  I never let that sink in ever.  Always said it's different for some people, and I'm some people.

That changed for me last year when I went to Puerto Rico to see some of my family who I haven't seen since I was maybe 8 years old.  There was a crazy connection there, and it was intense.  I started missing them almost retroactively.  I was going through the emotions I was missing out on by not having family for about 10 years.  After my time in Puerto Rico I might have had a mini breakdown on the subsequent southern Caribbean gay cruise.   Family is important.

So seeing these people who I haven't taken time to visit in years (and to be fair, they've shown the same courtesy) was a bag of mixed and confusing emotions.  After seeing my mom, I went to see my dad, and leaving my mom we said the I'll miss yous and I love yous and it didn't register with me right away, until I followed those sentiments with the word "mom."  Bullet.  Almost cried.

Then hung out at my dad's for a bit.  Watched some TV, chatted, he looked at my camera in envy, and I soon left to catch a ferry back to Seattle.  I said goodbye to my dad.  He followed me out the door, I walked through the yard and waved back.  After I left the yard and started crossing the street, I didn't look back, but I imagined it was probably very emotional for him.  His son was leaving for a new city across the country, a son who hasn't visited him much over the years, and not at all in almost 3 years.

I turned a corner out of view of his porch and I was gone.

I was depressed.  I don't know what I was feeling.  I don't know if I was missing them or if I was sad about something else.  Something else involves the reasons I have kept my distance over the years.  Let's not get into it, because I haven't really let myself have feelings about it for a very long time, and today was too close of a call.

A picture on my mom's fridge.  It's her and me, long long ago obviously.

It's a good picture.