The Bug

As I sit here and type, there are a couple breaks being taken for my right hand's finger nails to dig at the large lump on my left forearm that appeared yesterday assumingly after something had bitten me.  So as I sit here wishing I had some Gold Bond to relieve my discomfort, I couldn't help but wonder... maybe there was a bigger itch that I needed to scratch?

Today, Delta Airlines announced non stop service from Seattle to Incheon, the airport serving the city of Seoul, South Korea.  I've been bitten by the travel bug several times in the past, and now it's been taking a big dig at me.  Seeing friends fleeing the comfort of their city to travel around our very own country or even further abroad, I'm still broadening my horizons in this metropolis that feels like a limitless small country in its own.  So I feel slightly conflicted ... while I have this traveling itch inside of me, should I bother scratching that while I still have barely scratched the surface of Chicago?

So why mention South Korea?  Growing up in Seattle, you felt like you were in the middle of nowhere a lot of the time.  No major cities north, south, east, or west... not within driving distance, anyway.  Europe wasn't just across the pond, it was that plus the rest of this continent.  Then the pond on the other side, which actually is the world's largest ocean, offered no visibility short of a 12 hours flight... minimum.

Now with this major American airline edging its face towards the West Coast, perhaps its time to arrange a trip back to Seattle... as a stop over for a great adventure.

I've travelled alone before.  To certain cities in the country, once over to the very northern European country of Iceland, and its just fine.  But something else that's been getting to me is the need for companionship, and to share these big moments in life with that certain someone special.  Is it really reasonable, however, to postpone making these large trip plans until you're certain you've found the one who will be able to share the stories of said adventures amongst your collective group of friends?

Before I plan a transpacific trip to South Korea, should I wait until I have someone to go with me, and hope I can travel there with my Seoul mate?

Time will tell.  At least wait until you're ready to make that trip, and maybe when that time comes when you're ready to head over to Incheon, than that itch will be gone.  Or maybe waiting really is a risk worth taking.  After all, it's like what they say; you dim sum, you lose some.

Full Circle

Two days from now will be a year that I've been here in Chicago.

My first post to this blog was exactly one year ago yesterday, so it would have been pretty nice to write on that momentous occasion. Alas, I've all but forgotten this blog ... well, that's not exactly true.  I'm quite aware it exists, but don't really have the same drive to document my life as I had before when there were more major changes afoot. Yet there's been a major change!  Months ago, in fact.  Yet this year I have only posted 1 other blog here, so here's to #2.

What's this big change, you ask?  Nothing that exciting.  Just a new job working in Boystown again.  No big deal, so we can change topics now.

This past weekend was an event that sort of made me realize things have come full circle here in Chicago.  This past weekend was not only Memorial Day weekend, but also IML weekend.  IML is International Mr. Leather, a 5 day leather event in downtown Chicago that I think is something like the Magnum Cum Laude of leather events around the country.  While I attended this event, I noticed a lot of titles like Mr Iowa Leather and Mr. Memphis Leather, etc.  So being given the title of International Mr. Leather sounds rather a salient title to be bestowed upon an individual who's involved in that scene.

Why I say this event means things have come full circle is because last year, the weekend before I moved to Chicago, was IML weekend.  A couple friends missed my going away party that weekend because they had gone to Chicago for the event, and by next weekend I was in Chicago.  The weekend after that I attended my first festival, Andersonville's Midsommerfest, and started attending many other festivals and events throughout the summer and the rest of the year from there on out.  I missed IML by less than a week so it's really the last event there was for me to attend, and so I spent the entire weekend there.

It wasn't planned to spend the entire weekend, but I happened to fall into a situation of convenience, where I had a couple friends in from out of town staying at the hotel that hosts the event, we hung out for the first day of the event, and we basically spent the entire weekend together.  We walked around the hotel - shopping, observing events and demonstrations, chilling in their room with cocktails and music, and we also spent some time up in my neck of the woods, which is Boystown.  We brunched, bar hopped, and drank too much while basking in the sun.

Back at the hotel, I gave my camera a bit of practice because that's also something that has been set aside a bit lately.  I've had a couple great shoots wandering around in the snow since my last posts, but really... snow gets a bit old after 5 months, believe it or not.

Pretty fun shots without any expensive equipment.  A more professional set up with lights would have been great to eliminate some shadows, but I was just sort of snapping away while sitting in a nearby chair.

That's what's been up.  I have a new job and the penultimate punctuation of my first year in Chicago was one of the world's largest leather conventions.  How about that.

Hopefully my next piece on here won't be too far from now, since my actual year anniversary is in 2 days.  Oh, and yes I did buy a harness.

Step by Step

Okay, it's been a while, I know.  And a lot has happened, really!  I've thought about updating, but I never got around to it.

So you know how I quit the bar, then I quit LA Fitness right after that?  Well it hasn't been exactly smooth sailing since, other than now I have a focus for somewhere to go in life.  Now I don't remember what I divulged the last time I wrote so I may be repeating myself.

A certain someone in my life opened the opportunity to intern for this person who has some sort of digital media company.  That's about all I know about him.  My friend, who works for the Art Institute, was going to set it up for me and had me do some mock compositions, such as fake ads as well as retouching photos I've taken.

Other than that, I didn't get much direction.  He told me what to do with the photos, I'd send them to him, and he'd tell me what I did wrong.  It would be frustrating since he seemed to have the expectations of a graphic design student, which I never have been, but he was at least helpful to point me in the right direction and teach me some new techniques.

With that, however, there was a great lack of communication.  I seemed to have deadlines, but when I would show him my work close to the deadline, he would tell me how to improve it, and then send it when I'm done.  So deadlines kept getting extended, and I had never even talked to this person he was going to set me up with.  And as these deadlines were extending, and I was still working, part of my focus went somewhere else.

Seattle was doing well in football.  We made the playoffs.  We made it to the Super Bowl.  We were picked to win by many people who know a God damned thing about the sport.  I had to be there.  I had no job.  No responsibilities.  And if I needed to finish these art projects, I could do so from 1,700 miles away as well.  So I booked my ticket to Seattle.  About a week later, I get a call saying I need to meet this person the coming weekend.  I said I couldn't because I'd be out of town.  That's when I learned that this person I was supposed to intern for was leaving back to his hometown of Las Vegas the following week when I would be gone.  That's where the lack of communication came in.  I didn't know this guy didn't live here.  I didn't know what the deadlines were, when they were, when we were supposed to meet, etc.  So that's kind of fallen to shit, except my friend told me to contact the guy via Facebook and let him know I exist and what my intentions and interests are.  So I put that out there, and that's that.

So all in all, it didn't pan out as I'd hoped.  However, it did give me sort of an idea of what the hell I want to do with myself.  Focus on my photography.  Focus on my skills and ability with photo editing and manipulation.  See if I can make something out of this.  After I qualify for in-state tuition in the state of Illinois, I can go to school.  Study up on graphic design.  Also, study business.  Start my own business somewhere down the line.  Make a plan.

Since then, I've been out taking photos a lot.  Here in the winter time is a great time to find inspiration in nature.  That's provided me with some great shots; a couple of my favorite are as follows:

Since I plan to start a business someday, I've also been wanting to work at getting my stuff out there.  So I created my own Facebook page for my photography, called Angel Vazquez Photography & Digital Media (Like it!).

That's been what I've been up to since I've been unemployed.  And now things are getting tight.  Luckily my tax return was a bit more substantial that I had anticipated so it's helped me survive the past couple months, and has helped me not regret taking that extended (almost 2 week) trip to Seattle, where we completely embarrassed the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, by the way.

*     *     *

In other news, my phone was stolen last week.  I had a bit too much to drink, fell asleep on the train on the way home, woke up, and I had no phone.  That has added a lot of complication to my life, as it was a new phone, with a new provider, and since I hadn't had a chance to turn on a device locating service, and didn't realize with T-Mobile you have to back up your contacts (?) apparently.  So everything was gone.  All my contacts, photos, texts from the past week.  All gone.

When I got my replacement phone in the mail, it was initially a happy thing until I found out about all these complications.  But all in all I was happy to finally be connected to the world again.  Being unemployed and without a phone, I really felt I had nothing going on.  So I took a lot of photos and marathoned a lot of Netflix shows.

Alas, in the same day as I got my phone, I also was told I had been offered a position in a job that I applied for the day before.  It's at a restaurant so it's nothing all that fancy, but it'll keep my head above water so I can pay off my substantial debts I've accrued in this unemployment period and finally be able to treat once again, here and there.  Just until I can figure out, step by step, where to reach the next chapter of my life.

And of course using Grindr as a wonderful resource.

Extraordinary Very Merry Christmas

Let's get this job talk out of the way, because it's worth mentioning.  When we last met, I was excited to be starting this position at LA Fitness.  A step in the right direction, albeit getting there was a little shakey and a lot of worry for nothing.

Or so I thought.

There was finally a position in a gym for me, with my certification shiny and ready to be used, from a gym that contacted me; I didn't have to do the grunt work!  I wasn't even looking.  Shouldn't that have been a tell-tale sign all along?  Yes.  It should have.

LA Fitness is a big box gym, the biggest gym chain in the country I believe.  A facility where people pay money to go to work on themselves, each setting different goals to be where they want to be either healthfully or aesthetically.  LA Fitness provides lots of machines and weights and other such gym accessories for those looking to meet those goals.  But God.  At what cost?

It's an attractive value.  Many locations for a cheap price.  Open long hours during the day so you can go just about anytime you'd like.  There's even a personal training department to help you evaluate your goals, and with us, we can help you figure out the most efficient and effective way for you to accomplish them!

That's where I come in.  Hi, I'm Angel and I'm with the training department.  Can I interest you in a person training assessment, free of charge, to help you accomplish the goals you're striving for here today?

Oh, you're busy... right, you're working out.  And you have headphones on.  Okay, no need to be rude.  Just doing my job.

*     *     *

From day one on the job, I met the two guys I'd be working with.  Both having been personal trainers who are now Fitness Directors at the LA Fitness location at which I'd be working.  Introductions, yada yada -- here, Angel. Here's a clipboard with a blank piece of paper.  Go sell training.
"Umm, so what do I do?  I mean, can you show me how it's done first?"
"Oh, I guess you can shadow me for a bit."
Perfect.  What a relief.

"Hi, ma'am.  My name's Jesse [so on and so forth about setting goals and meeting them effectively and efficiently.]  Okay, no problem, ma'am.  If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to come by our training offices! ... think you can handle that, Angel?"
And I was on my own.

From day one, blank piece of paper on a clipboard.  Go sell.

After about 5 days of this, I got a few phone numbers of clients so we can call them to set up appointments, but not anyone who actually wanted to go through with these appointments.  After a while, these 2 guys I would work with would berate me and say "We could go out there and get 30 phone numbers and book 10 appointments in an hour!"
The difference between these guys and me was, well, first and foremost there's confidence.  But I also have morals, and self awareness for these people.  I work out (not at LA Fitness) and it's my time.  It's my time to go to the gym, work on myself, and try to achieve my own personal goals.  I don't go there to talk to people.  I hate it when people try to talk to me at the gym.  It's distracting, unnecessary, and not the place for any sort of small talk.
If I were working out and someone not only tried to talk to me, but then tried to sell me something, and continued to push after I had said no, I would seriously consider going to another gym.
Now, the gym I work out at, which I really enjoy, has personal trainers.  I see them around with clients all the time.  But no one is walking around with a clipboard trying to push it on every member.

After my initial pushes on people weren't working, they had me try another approach.  They told me to write on a big piece of paper, 'DO YOU WANT PERSONAL TRAINING' and walk up and down all of the cardio equipment and show people the sign as I walk by and see if anyone would bite.

Never worked for me.

So, as big of a failure I was at bothering people and bullying them into buying something they didn't want, they showed me what would happen after I got a client to book an appointment.  We went through the rundown of what we tell these people, which has a lot to do with confusing them, drawing little charts, and asking them about their goals.

Say Patty came in and said, "I want to lose 60 lbs!" and Joseph came in and said "I'm trying to lean out and put on about 15 lbs of muscle," or Robert said, "I'm trying to cut and need to lose about 10 lbs of fat."
Our job was to tell each of these clients that it would take them roughly 50-60 weeks of personal training to attain these goals.  Yes, whether you want to lose 10 lbs or 100 lbs, we could get you results in a fucking year.

Of course I believe in personal training.  I think it could benefit absolutely everyone, even personal trainers themselves.  Having someone push you, bestow knowledge on you, intrigue you with new ideas, it is always beneficial.  I also believe in most circumstances, for most people, about 3 months of personal training could be enough.  That's if you're motivated to reach your goals and need someone to teach you proper form, certain exercise plans, and what it takes to make each of these goals happen so you don't give up and don't plateau before you reach them.

A year of personal training, while not crazy, excessive, or a bad thing, is a bit much for the average person.  Personal training is expensive, and usually an expense people don't want to commit an entire year to.  But if they can, that's great, and it can only help you in the long run.

Another piece of information given to these people is that if they gain 10 lbs of lean muscle, somehow magically you are guaranteed to be burning a pound of fat every week completely at rest, doing nothing.

This is the blanket statement they give to people.  Not considering that people also are taking in calories, are not always at rest, and that 10lbs of lean muscle does a pound of fat a week make.  It just doesn't add up.  But you talk fast, confuse people, and they might not ask super specific sciencey questions.

Now I questioned my knowledge when I was told this, which was a bit scary, but then my superior who was telling me all this (by the way I should mention he's gone from my position, to personal trainer, to Fitness Director in about 3 months.  Turnover much?) also sidebarred me with, "Now we both know this isn't true, but it's just what we tell people."

That was the moment I wanted to walk out.  But I didn't.  I came in one more day, and they gave me my blank piece of paper and clipboard, told me to make sales, and by the middle of the day I had only managed to acquire a couple phone numbers, they did what they had been doing to me for almost each day I was there; they told me to leave early read the packet of lies yet again, and come back tomorrow.  This was after another session of "WHY ARE YOUR SALES NOT HIGHER?!?!?" and talking down to me and making me feel like an utter disappointment.
So my sales suck, they make me leave early every day, and not once did I ever have a single bit of training besides a sales packet that only told me what to lie to people about once we got them sitting in the chair.
Now, these guys obviously weren't geniuses and one of them has only been there 3 months, so... I don't know.  Shitty company, not sure if I'm even getting paid for the week and a half I was there... but when I was told to come in on a Saturday bright and shiny at 8am to annoy more people with my clipboard and paper, it was finally time to say fuck it, and never show my face there again.  And judging by the phone call I did not receive the next day, I'm guessing this sort of thing happens quite a lot there.

I worked at the highlighted location.  The purple one.  The Lakeview location.  The one with 1.5 stars.

So I am now unemployed around the holidays, which means Yay, no stressing about working too much around the Holidays!  But it also means I have no income which, you know, scary.

But I've been making a few calls, sending a few resumes, and enjoying my time off in the snow, taking pictures and enjoying this extraordinary very merry Christmas.

Rode the Santa Express downtown yesterday to the Christkindlmarkt, a Bavarian holiday market downtown.  It was pretty cute.  Enjoyed some Glühwein and even got to keep the mug!  It was adorable.

So if you're wondering what to get the guy who has ... well, no job, you can always take a peek at my Wishlist on Amazon for inspiration!

http://amzn.com/w/3M0CMUKYC7OYO

Happy Holidays everyone!

Passion Play

There have been many a great changes occurring.  I wanted to do a video about it but I never got around to it.  Oh well.  Maybe next time.  I'll actually be having a lot of time to be doing these updates from here on out.  Now only if I had something to write about.

And now I do!

I'm writing this as I sit in a cushy brown chair in a Starbucks here in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago with the Apple logo glowing behind the screen into which I'm staring, just like all of the great writers of the world.  This Starbucks is located half a block from a complex which houses an LA Fitness gym on its top floor.  I work at this gym now.

Say what?!

Yes, I am working in a gym now.  It's not in the position for which I am qualified, no.  So here's what happened.  I get a random phone call a month or so ago asking me if I am interested in becoming a personal trainer at LA Fitness.  I say sure, let's give it a shot.  I go in for an interview that day.  I meet with a couple guys and discuss my qualifications, and I am very honest.

I say to them, look.  I have this certification, sure.  However, I would not feel very comfortable working with people in a person training capacity just yet, as I think my W.I.T.S certification course was kind of a load of haberdashery. I explained the course instructor was never prepared, seemed to not know what she was doing, and didn't really have us do a lot of hands on training.

They appreciated this honestly and told me I ought to start out in a different position.   This position is called a personal training counselor.  They explained the role to me, how I could work to be comfortable at personal training, and I accepted, even though I was a bit confused as to what this position actually entailed.

Later that evening, I received a phone call being offered the position, and I accepted.  And that's when things started to get a wee bit confusing.  I figured this would be a full time position, and so I could work with it to do this gym position as well as keeping some hours at the current gig, bartending at the Twisted Vine, the lovely wine and whiskey bar that took me under their wing when I was but a baby to the exciting whirlwind of Chicago city life.  So to get all of that situated, I came in for my first day of work to LA Fitness in early November.

We discussed my availability, which at the time was a November schedule at the bar that was written in late October, for the entire month of November.  At a bar with 3 employees.  No time off, no switching shifts, no quitting without notice (I didn't want to be a dick), and thusly, no gym job until my schedule cleared up.  He presented to me what the hours would look like.  6 days a week, with 3 of those days being there for about 11 hours, with a 4 hour break in the middle.  Meaning no time for two jobs.

So I put it off.  I was told when my schedule cleared, I would have a position at LA Fitness waiting for me.  I was told that sometime around November 13, and with a birthday weekend coming up, my birthday being November 16, I decided to put off dealing with that work junk, and made the commitment to report my final days at the bar to my boss when I came into work that following Tuesday.  Before that, I called LA Fitness to make sure he would keep his word that I had a position there should I decide to quit my current bartending gig.  It was confirmed.  So Tuesday came (my birthday weekend was great by the way), and it was consistently busy.  Never a dull moment.  Never a moment to breathe.  Never a moment to discuss the end of days with my boss.

Then came Wednesday.  It was a day that started with lots of busy work involving some side project my boss had been working on regarding Christmas ornaments and lots and lots packaging popcorn -- the fluffy stuff in packages.  My co worker would come in 2 hours after I had arrived, and committed that I would disclose the notice before she came in.  And so I did.  It went something like, "Hey, gotta tell ya somethin!" And then the blabbering of news came out, and the reaction received was an unexpected one.  Few words, mostly silence.  In fact, it was nearly 2 weeks of silence thereafter, an appropriately wintery chill, up until I finished my term at the bar, my last couple days there completely void of my boss, my friend who I had made since my walking into the once warming establishment.

It was strange to me, yet not surprising that he decided to be absent that day due to many different factors I won't bore you with here.  But so how he decided to end it, and thus it was.

I called LA Fitness about the position, and there were a few concerning hiccups.  The guy I was in contact with wasn't there for a few days.  When I came back, he told me to come in the next morning.  Then he called me back saying instead coming in for an interview with a guy named Al.

Heart racing.  Blood pressure rising.  What did he mean an interview?  I had already done the hiring paperwork.  I filled out those forms.  I was given his word on the position.  I was offered a full time position and I had quit my job to make this transfer, from the less than stellar world of bartending, late nights, no social life, and lots of bitch work, to a field in which I could thrive and put my actual passions into play.

I went in for this so-called "interview" with Al.  One of the first things he asked me was a question about whether I'm looking for full time or part time work.  I began with, "So I'm a little confused..."  I think he was too, be he recovered by telling me to chill out and that he just needs to meet everyone before their officially on board.  I think there were some mistakes made in this little process that scared and stressed the ever-living bejeezus out of me, but all was well in the world.

So that's where I am now.  And I know now more about the position.  Essentially I am selling personal training, in itself involves a bit of personal training from me to the potential clients.  So it's a step in the right direction.  But it's still sales.  That's never been in my best graces, but I will try my best until I make the position what I want for it to be.

And now I have that schedule, the unusual one where I have 4 hour lunch breaks.  I'm on one of those lunch breaks.  I had my food, and came into Starbucks, and I brought my computer with me.  So I can sit here at this Starbucks, like all the great writers of the world, and deliver you a much delayed continuation of my adventures since moving from Seattle.

Gym and Journeys

I've been gaining a bit of weight.  But no, in the good way.


A few weeks ago I was somewhere in the  11% range of body fat, but now that I've adjusted my little body fat reader to my current weight gain (to like 156 lbs or something) it tells me I'm at a comfortable 9%.

This top hangs on me, 

but one day, it will be tight...

Some notes on how I see my progress... well, I think my shoulders are coming in nicely and love the way they look in a tank top.  However, my pecs are growing unevenly.  I've heard to use dumbbells for presses when that happens, so that's what I've been doing.  No barbell bench presses for me.  Hopefully that works out the issue, because having a left pec that's noticeably larger (to me anyway) ain't cute.

Yesterday was a chest/tri day at the gym, so today it'll be back to bis/lats.  I might go easy on those and also work shoulders more since I haven't done that in a good few days now.  I can't imagine anyone who reads this finds this at all interesting.  How can I spice up my fitness blog?  Tips and tricks?  I dunno.  I kind of have a routine so there's nothing really out of the ordinary.  But if a sex scandal comes up from the gym, I'll let you know.  Or maybe I'll start taking steroids and write very angry blogs about all the ugly people in my life.  That would be something different.  

Let's bring this blog full circle for the moment and talk a little more about Chicago life.

I went on an architecture tour a couple weeks ago.  Apparently it was the wrong tour... I mean, it was interesting, but it wasn't THE Architecture Tour.  Guess there's an architecture society or something?  No one told me about this, so I went with one that I found on Groupon.  It wasn't bad, but didn't blow my skirt up like I expected, as everyone always creams themselves when talking about the architecture tour... but to be honest, Chicago seems to be a city that overhypes absolutely everything (Market Days, anyone?) which makes me feel a little better about the horror stories people have about winter.

I pieced together a little panoramic photo from some shots I got out in the lake.  Chicago is pretty and has some impressive architecture, for sure.

Ideas From The Cloud

Feels like I should be more inspired to write, but it can often be tricky to come up with subject matter to write about.  I had taken some notes a week or so ago regarding my living situation, my roommate, and the overall hipster-chic feel of it all.  Then I realized that might be kind of boring.  But then I thought to myself, is posting nothing at all really a better solution?   Not really.

I use writing as a creative outlet.  I don't seem to have to many of those these days as I used to.  I loved to draw and doodle as a kid.  I did a lot of blogging (complaining about how stupid my parents were) as a pre-teen.  I did a lot of acting and musical theatre in high school.  After that, video blogging was something I enjoyed doing rather frequently.  Then I got into painting.  Last summer I bought a camera and have been enjoying learning the fine art of photography, taking inspiration from artistic photo websites and seeing if I can get an idea on how to replicate those shots.  Yet, I don't go out with my camera too much anymore.

Lately at works in times of ultimate lack of anything to do (which is rare -- Facebook is always at my fingertips) I have been known to spot a pad of paper and taken to sketching something silly on it.  I've always had a thing for drawing an eye, and then designing a creature, usually cat-like, around it.  But nothing really interesting.  So I feel like I have this intense need for a creative outlet in random parts of my life but I haven't felt like I've been all that great at what I've created.  In my defense, art is subjective.

I took a creative writing class in college and we had an assignment to submit a poem for the entire class to read aloud and critique it.  Poetry has never been my thing, so I used a poem that I was inspired to write when I was 18, during a summer I had spent in Alaska and I was stuck on a boat for 12 hours a day.  It was rhymey, about a relationship that faltered, all that expected, trite sort of bull.

It was submitted to the class and read aloud anonymously.  Everyone hated it.  No, like everyone.  Not a nice thing was said about it.  Well, until our instructor asked if the author wanted to come forth and defend his work, which I did, and a nice girl in the class declared, "Well I liked the rhyming," probably seeing my humiliation forming in my eyes and about to stream down my face.

It inspired me to write another poem.  It was a poem about how I personally believe art isn't 'good' or 'bad'.  It's a way for a certain person to express themselves and if not another single person on earth can read the emotion that went into that piece, so what?  If it meant something to the "artist", then at least one person got something out of it.  And it also defended my personal interest in having poems rhyme.

Then there was another, probably also seen as terrible, poem I wrote about how there are a lot of things out there that I find I am okay at, but nothing comes to mind of anything that I really, really excel at.  So that's sort of a downer, and do I still believe that?  Who knows.  I don't try to think about it.  I live my day to day life, which a lot of people may find uninspired and going from day to day just living and not trying to achieve anything.  Again, maybe true.  I always have an idea of what I'd like my life to be like, and somehow either there isn't an intense motivation to get to that point, or my excuse that it's hard to balance a job and school without any other outside help is actually a valid one.

It's a topic I hate to think about and don't discuss with many people, but I see those who are successful out there and they are typically the ones who come from supportive families.  Then on the flip side, I think ... but everyone I know seems to be more successful than I am.  And then I think, yet again, most people who don't come from supportive families and are sort of down and out on their luck seem to never leave the small town they come from.

This has really just been a post of my progressive thoughts as I wrote this.  Ramblings, really.  This post started out with an idea, one I visualize as sort of a foggy, less compact cloud of ideas, and the more I wrote, the firmer the message became in my head and I was able to focus on a few of those certain aspects.  It is at this point in the post that I will give it a title -- not that I had an idea at the beginning and titled it appropriately.  Let's make that much clear.

To be perfectly honest, there are a lot of things I wish I could write about, but I couldn't bring myself to stand up and declare those stories of my life at the risk of certain people finding them, reading them, and knowing exactly how I am feeling about certain situations.  That's what I have friends for I guess, but still... I don't know.  They don't get the full, reign-free let-my-ideas-flow whole of it.

Suppose I could write those elsewhere... and publish those perhaps I figure out if I'm still in need to hide my thoughts from those people, whether if it's from realizing I can have complete honesty with them, or if they will no longer be in my life in a way that I have to fear their judgement.